KiLLaCloWn

Hmm...

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 23:46:45 GMT

Well i dont really know what to say... OK what hurts more than why i got mad is that fact that you have no clue why i got upset... or at least thats how it looks. in wich case ok if this is how you need to get over me then i understand. but if you truely TRUELY were at a loss over what i was saying then i feel sick to my stomach.You had the nerve to turn it around on me and Ugh.. it doesnt matter. For whatever its worth im still crazy about you.. but i dont think i could ever get back to how i felt befor... but i still cant go a day without thinking about you... where you are... how does your hair look now?... are the jackasses your dating being good to you or not? i guess it doesnt matter anymore. One thing you taught me a LONG time ago.. was that people change. haha in fact you were using that line against me in that conversation and i didnt like it. now i see that you were trying to tell me that YOU changed and i was so blind i couldnt see it. You clearly have changed into another person FAR from what i fell in love with so long ago.. but i was so dertermaned to love you i ignored it. i watched some stupid movie the other night and there was a line "its better to have loved and lossed then to never have loved at all" FUCK that shit i cant stand thinking about that line because it hurts. After your reactions to our last conversation i dont think u understand me.. and on that note i am damn sure you will never understand how much you ment to me. Noone will ever come close to receiving the love i have for you. and i know that noeone will ever come close to loveing you HALF as much as i did.

!!!!!! " they finally awoke a sleeping giant " !!!!!!

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:46:11 GMT

befor i begin i need to just say ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry. ok where to begin well. If you know me (wich by the way nobody is even CLOSE to figuring me out but its injoyable watching people think the do.. sorry) If you know me you would know im kinda a well... i dont like the word but its best discribed "hopeless romantic" ya know the nice guy who finishes last type... well what ever the point is i just try to treat girls the best i can. i always get weird looks when im out with friedns and i just buy flowers from the flower lady for all the girls at the table... the girls get really happy and that makes me happy... but it kills me when the girls go.. "GOD i wish ---- would buy me flowers like this" or "WOW noone has ever gottin me flowers befor!" it kills me becouse girls swear up and down that they are looking for a "nice guy" when THEY WOULDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ONE IF HE WAS GIFT WRAPPED AND THROWN AT THEM WITH A CATAPULT!!!!!!!!!!!! girls swear up and down that "guys are pigs" "guys only want one thing" well im fed up with it. im SO fed up with watching girls preffer ASSHOLES that i am going to become one... NO i really really really do NOT want to go through with this but its obviously the only way to get girls these days! its sad but thats how its going to be. the "gentleman jesse" that you thought you knew has packed his bags and JUST took a long walk off a short pier! FUCK falling for anybody!! oh and if any one out there in this world is in the slightest bit curius what falling for someone feels like.... let me discribe it....

- first walk outside your house

- next step into the street and face your house

- now lay down on your stomach and open your mouth as WIDE as possible!

- place your teeth on the edge of the curb...

- now get someone to stomp as hard as they can on the back of your head..

- WALLAH you have now gone through what it feels like to fall for someone

right about this time you might be thinking WHY..? why would i want to do that?.. well my answer is EXCACTLY!!!!! why the fuck would ANYONE want to put them selves through that kind of BULLSHIT!

So ill leave you with this closing

be shallow .. why not!
dont fall for anyone... because youll only get hurt!
and if i ever hear a girl wine to me about being with an asshole guy im going to
A) smack her in the mouth befor she finishes her sentance
or
B) walk out the door and NEVER talk to that person again because she probly broke enough hearts in her time to DESERVE and asshole!

if i think about this any harder MY HEAD WILL BLOW UP!!!

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 00:38:06 GMT

girls....

just when you think youve made any progress.. they throw a ratchet in your spokes! why so difficult WHY!!! i hated junier high and highschool relationships but my god things were ALOT easier! you liked someone and you could just whispper it and THE WHOLE SCHOOL would do anything and EVERYTHING to help you hook up. you could get any info you could ever dream of about that person. NOT in the creepy stalker kinda info but simple shit like "oh she likes this kind of stuff and that kind of stuff" ... "she like going to these kind of places" that kind of info is PRICELESS when your head over heals for a girl and you want to show her a good time! but when your out of school things get a little complicated... i dont know why. in fact i make it a point to bend over backwards if a friend came to me about a girl they liked i would do EVERYTHING i could to help them out. i hooked up one of my best friends Mondo with his girlfriend Mira and it didnt seem bothersome to me... So why is it that NOBODY can throw me a bone when i just want some help getting a girl that I WANT. im not a vagina who cant get girls.. im not scared to find things out on my own. its just nice when someone kinda "points you in the right direction".

AND another thing!...

i am sick of trying to figure out what girls want to hear! because ive been completely screwed in both ways. ive lost girls befor because i didnt tell them soon enough how i felt!... AND ive lost girls for telling them too QUIKLY how i felt! its DRIVING ME CRAZY. things just shouldnt be so difficult!..

ALL i want is to not screw up what could possibly be the coolest girl ive ever met. shes funny, really down to earth, absolutly BEAUTIFUL! ... oh ya and she wears VANS!!! haha

last minute shindig!

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 00:18:44 GMT

so i guess we got drunk a few night ago and decided it would be a good idea to throw a party this weekend .. and we are actually going threw with it. this is cool and i dont want to jinx it but i think this might be too short of notice hopefully im WAY wrong and we have a great time. Greg is on a mission to throw a party that everyone "chips in on" and ... from past attempts my magic eightball is saying "outlook not soo good". fear not because for sure there will be ONE keg that me and greg and hopefully rob chips too on. so its up to everyone else to chip on a second keg and that will be really cool if it all comes together... im just not going to hold my breath on it.

on a further note my good friend is behind bars and i dont know how to handle this... i mean im going on like nothing ever happend on the outside... but on the inside im a reck thinking about what he is going through... what if it was me who tried to drive home and .. he took the cab.. i feel like crap and i just want my friend back. i hope he doesnt hate my guts when he gets out

vote for pedro.

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 02:24:19 GMT

Alright i voted today! i dont really believe my vote counts because of the ellectoral colleges and how they work but whatever i voted and you probobly didnt so dont pretend to care about how are government screws us over if you didnt even vote!

I threw a really fun halloween party im glad everyone showed up and had a great time... i know Leah had a great time because she did more kegstands that night than i have ever done .. in my whole life SO.... moving right along little tiny dab of drama happend at the end but fear not! there was no fight. i took the "problem" outside and calmly gave the kid his chance to speak and then i did everything i could to let him know that he shouldnt stay ... yadda yadda yadda long story-short the kid ended up pissing me off and i became the one ready to fight him if he didnt leave. wich after the fact i feel really diapointed in myself for ever getting to that point. not only did i feel like an asshole for checking the kid but im pretty sure this kid is friends with this girl that i liked at the party... but she doesnt like me anyway... so i dont think im going to loose much sleep over it anymore.

And while we are on the subject of girls i would just like to clarify that GIRLS ARE THE DEVIL!!!... STILL!! girls yet again dissapoint me.. but i continue to learn their vicious ways heartbreak after heartbreak.. until one day my heart is going to become so completely numb!.. that i will just transform into one of those ASSHOLE guys.. i mean they get all the girls anyway!!! is that what im sopose to figure out in life?? that my heart only has soo many chances to lagitimatly fall in love befor its too late and i turn into what all girls think guys are anyway?....

.... :( Leah next time you introduce me to one of your really hot friends that you KNOW im going to fall for.. make sure i have a chance or let me know that theres noway in hell ill ever get with them.. because that sucked.. dont take that like im mad at you cause im NOT! in fact Leah i have never been more proud to be friends with you after helping you do like 10 kegstands that was awsome.

.... ok im hungry i need dinner

Good fight!
GoodNIGHT!

HAHA

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 06:19:30 GMT

Your Penis Name is: The Bald Avenger

Get your own Penis Name

Blah!

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 04:16:16 GMT

I dont know who came up with the saying money doesnt buy you everything because i think it can. If you had ALLLL the money you could ever want i bet you could buy ANYTHING you damn well wanted. If if i was rich i wouldnt go crazy i would just buy simple things... like what normal people get to buy... like new clothes... i havent been clothes shopping in years! ...well if you dont count the occassional new shirt or pair of dickies.. i would love to not stress over the rent. its not that it bothers me that i have to pay the rent but it bothers me that i dont make enough money to relax every once in a while (if you know what i mean). If i ever come across a large sum of money somehow i think i would run away from the everything... id love to just live in a shack on the beach somewhere like in DEEP mexico or like the Bahamas. All i would do is surf everyday and drink margaritas everynight dancing with beautiful women on the sands.. But until then i will cope with being poor..

...Its not so bad being poor. Did you know that poor people define "cool"?.. you see rich people who actually get whatever they want whenever they want or those people that are just born into money.. these people have NO IDEA what they want let alone the "value" of anything.. because they can just own something with a single phone call or swipe of a credit card that pulls from some MONSTER bank account.. getting to the point these people have to look at poor people and steal from us what WE value.. This is why people who get what ever they want whenever they want never "find" themselves.. they are constantly looking for the next fad so they can buy whats socially exceptable and look like they are "in" ... my favorit example of this is go to a (haha) "punk show" and you see these kids trying to dress in torn and tatterd clothes with patches and spikes "hardcore dancing"(whatever the fuck that is) to songs writton about "fuck the system" "ive got it bad" "anarchy".. and then watch them after the show get picked up by mom in a BMW 7 series or dad in his lifted Yokohn... i mean come on if you cant see the IRONY of RICH kids trying to "BUY" there way into looking poor .. fuck im laughing my ass off right now just writing about it... moral of the story be your self! if you continue to look for others on how to be unique you will only become the complete opposite of unique!.. lets take this a step further im not saying you cant injoy things because your rich.. thats fine you can be rich and injoy punk music! all im saying is dont try to change your image to look like "cool" people that actually ARE poor and "cool" at the same time because thats more like MOCKING us! not appritaiting the "cool" us poor people created..

oh well im spent...

look forward to my next entry on why girls are fucking crazy!!!!

its been too long

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 01:23:34 GMT

if life was a video game i would defenitly go to the options mode and turn it on easy befor i even started!!!

why cant this be easy. all i want is an awsome girlfriend. i date these girls and none of them seem special enough to me... I truely think Amanda was the closest im going to get to "the one".. honeslty i still think she is my one! we talked alot this last weekend. she was working at the tournament i was at in LA. We would call eachother really good friends right now.,, the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing was just not working because we couldnt see eachother enough. i will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for Amanda and the best thing i can hope for is maybe in the future when we all have our lives figured out she will be apart of mine. im glad to know she is doing well and i wish the best for her. If between now and the time i win her back guys dont treat her like the angel she is ill beat the shit out of all of them!

as for now i will continue dateing and im sure things will work out..

sorry i havent posted in a while

Speeding is NOT worth it!

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 09:07:38 GMT

Well i have to say things have been going well for me lately. not the best it could be but not the worst ether. I had to pay my speeding ticket and that was a friendly $207 fucking wasted. As far as girls gos things could be better. If the girl of my dreams would just fucking stop making me suffer and come into my life now i would much appritiate it.. so until then im what you could say... "dating around". I hang out at Sinbads alot now and thats fun. The first girl i think is hot my roomate ends up getting and her friend ends up liking me. It was cool but i didnt really want a relationship with her ... especially because one of the bouncers at Sinbads was after her. My little sister is having her Birthday here in SD so i get to see her and my little brother a 3rd time in the same year :o) WAY better then zero times in 10 years. I barrowed my mom accustic guitar and am in the procces of learningsome fun old songs i always wanted to cover.. and fiddling with writng a new song.. i wish i could meet a girl that would make me forget about Amanda. She broke my heart again... except i was fully prepared this time so it wasnt so bad. its not like she means to break my heart and im not dumb i wasnt just trying to LET her break it... it just happens when you fall for someone really specail and you cantsee them everyday... or at all. I just want to find a girl that lives close to me that can make me feel the way She did. This also really sucks because any girl i meet now i have to compare to Amanda... wich inturn makes me miss Amanda even more and not want to give the new girl a chance.

i mean...Is it too much to ask for a girl to:

wear skirts! take my breath away so i can fall for you and treat you like a princess and write songs about you and buy you flowers randomly.. i really want a girlfirend ... i just feel better having one. it gives me some reason to get up in the morning and not just to pay the rent.

Goodfight!
Goodnight!!

G I R L S

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 11:08:41 GMT

hey i bash on girls too much in my entrys so tonight i think ill switch it up!

GIRLS...ya all i really want is GIRLS!...cause in the morning its GIRLS! and in the evening its GIRLS! .... i like the way they WALK!

ok i have most definitly come to this conclusion. girls are born with the gift to fuck with guys heads.(ok i promis to stop bashing on girls) Girls rule in fact if girls would just play their cards right they could rule the world! Girls are mans MOTIVATION. why get up in the morning why get dressed nice why go to work? for girls! everything guys do is for girls! now not all girls are the same so guys get into a veriaty of things to impress girls. some girls like biker guys so guys get into choppers and harleys.. some girls like wierd shit so guys get into poetry and ..uu wierd shit like that. the point is guys dont go around trying to impress other guys.. they are motivated to impress the girls!!!! Girls have these "looks" that are special. im not talking about "the look" the one that means your in BIG TROUBLE! they also have other looks with other effects. Such as the i am so proud of you look. or the aww poor baby look. these looks alone are enough to motivate me. i just want a girl to give me these looks. in fact for the right girl i would build a pyramid .. shit if i could have the girl of my dreams i would build a HUNDRED PYRAMIDS!! this scares me. how do girls have this effect on guys. Girls are special thats why. a girl and a guy are sopse to be together thats just how it works. the only problem is getting through these so called "relationships" that fuck with your head and break your heart and finally get to "the one" (i dont believe there is a one buts that another entry so for the sake of arguement ill play along) Because when you get to "the one" that when you are at the peak of your existance. Its no longer you vs the world it turn into you and the girl of your dreams vs the world!! like having someone on your team! it must be nice having someone on your team. friends are awsome (real friends anyway) because friends are for the most part on your team... but there are alot of ballgames they dont show up for.. but when your with a great girl shes ALWAYS there by your side backing you up. i want a girl to be on my team. the Moon shines a little brighter when your thinking about your girl.. you walk with extra kick in your steps when you just get off the phone with your girl... your smile gets that much bigger after you see your girl LOVE the present you got her... your heart just melts when a girl gets something for you that was WAY unexpected. girls are great. i wont ever understand them (HEY AT LEAST I CAN ADMIT THAT!!) but i really like them.

time for bed ... girl of my dreams if your out there i just want you to know that im expecting you soon cause these short "relationships" are bruising my heart too fast and i dont want it to be numb when its time to love you!.. oh and sweet dreams

happy birthday jesus!

Thu, 25 Dec 2003 11:39:04 GMT

well merry christmas everybody... ya thats all i have to say

christmas sucks....

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 13:58:44 GMT

When people go somewhere for the holidays and make my malls crowded and streets full of traffic and lines get longer and everyone stressing out... i want to know where they came from.. ya because if everyone comes to san diego for x-mas i want to know the part of the US that they deserted for the holidays because i bet its a fucking GHOSTTOWN there is soooo many people here right now. i want to go the the "ghosttown" and relax without all these people around! that would be a nice holiday.

well lets start the holidays with a bang! i need to pay off a speeding ticket so there goes half my money.... i want to spend money on everyone i know but its going to break MY heart more than its going to break theirs when i cant spend as much money as i planned on myfirends.its bad enough half my money goes to rent and car insurance but now this speeding ticket throws the salt ALL over the wound... oh well tis the season to be jolly im going to get threw this.

lets start the season with a bang! the girl i was after doesnt want god damn thing to do with me. i think this sucks because i had the greatest idea for a present for her but its cool. you know that saying about "if you love something set it free ... yada yada.. never ment to be"... well i wouldnt have called it love but i had some strong feelings for her and i guess its time for me to just let her go. if she calls me or makes an attempt to see me then i will try again but for now i need to let her go... the other shame to that was i wanted to take her to a KILLER new years party... moving right along

lets start this season off with a bang! my family is CRAZY! its the holidays and im pretty sure the last place on earth i will want to be is under roof of my family! damn thatys sad. my pops is probably fighting with his girlfriend because we havent talked in a while again.. he wont tell me they are fighting because he has too much pride to let me know i was right about her. my mother went crazy when i couldnt visit her on comand because she doesnt realize i work for a living and cant afford to miss a SINGLE shift let alone be 10mins late EVER. the greatest thing i have to say about my family lately is my brother and sister from new york are coming to see me for x-mas and that almost brings tears to my eyes. they rule!

im not writing this enetry for a lets cry for me.. im writing this entry as a warning for ANYMORE bullshit trying to come my way ... that I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD FUCKING CHRISTMAS NOMATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....nothing "clever like journeys"

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 13:03:32 GMT

when i was a young lad.... a 15 02 rat surf punk who smoked more weed than a grown man could and drank beer because there was no soda but for some reason my fridge was NEVER out of beer. back when girls werent even an issue because there were more important things in life like getting up EXTRA early to catch the morning set at stubs jedy. i had these "theorys" .. alot of them were crap from a 14 yr old punk kid who thought his life was bad so i knew everything!... but most of them (no bullshit MOST of them) were very accurate. one of them being (gerg will remember this very well)

... " there are ALOT of GREAT girls out there! its ashame most of them end up with ASSHOLES!"...

now i sit back tonight (this morning ..samething..) with a few more years under my belt and you know what... i was RIGHT ON with that one! Its almost like girls prefer assholes.. i dont know why .. i have a few guesses but im probably wrong. like i think that girls prefer drama over just easy going times. its like for some reason "somethings wrong if there is nothing wrong"... i dont get it.

Lets pretend to be a really goodlooking really cool girl for a sec... Now these girls have guys lining up AROUND the block for them. some guys would do ANYTHING for them. girls like this come around once every hundred years or so... anyway so your this girl(pretend) and at the top of your list of prospects are.. we will call them "billy" and "jimmy" now jimmy lives with his mom and has alot of money for drugs and new pipes and cool clothes and concert tickets because he has absoloutly NO responcabilitys( i know i cant spell) other than looking as cool as possible. any money this guys gets from mom goes straight to his drug fund and lets impress people fund. Now Jimmy is REALLY cool i mean all the girls cant see past his cool clothes and charming personality. this one is a "lady killer" now Jimmy wants you the HOT COOL girl. Now lets tyalk about Billy. Billy lives on his own has a job and has responcabilitys. Billy doesnt have all the money in the world to spend on whatever he wants .. but he has money accasionally to get nice things. Billy does not have all the cool clothes and impress people shit (you know what im talking about that shit that really has no real function other than impress people with..) Billy owns things like INTEGRETY and a FUTURE and SECURITY. Billy also wants you the hot cool girl. Back to Jimmy. Jimmy is an asshole who only wants the hot girl to be another peice to his collection of impress people stuff. Jimmy will create plenty of drama because his acadomy aword winning break ups are just as spectaculure as his pick up lines. Back to Billy. Billy wants someone to be on "His Team" so to speak. he wants someone to share good times with. he wants to do nice things for this cool girl and not expect anyhting more than a smile in return. Billy will be there to take your best friend to the hospital at 4 in the morning. Jimmy will be at home smoking bowls. Billy will be stressing what to get you for Xmas. Jimmy will be curius what you are getting for him for Xmas. Billy will request days off from work to try to make plans with you. Jimmy will lie to you that he has work and be out with other people. Billy wants to give you his all. Jimmy wants to make a game out of how much he can get you to like him.

...now WHY THE FUCK DO GIRLS PICK JIMMY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GIRLS!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

its so funny how guys are made out to be these dogs that only want one thing from woman. and i bet i know why. ya most guys probably watched there SHITY fathers be assholes to there mothers and just fallowed suit but there is another reason. somewhere down the tree guys were getting BURNED by women who want "Jimmys". and its no rare occasion. its happend enough to the point that guys gave up on the dream that one of the these really cool girls actually wants a "Billy"....

anyway what do i know im just "dog" right? im a pig who wants to give my all for a girl. IM the ASSHOLE who wants to win a girls heart not just her body. im that SHADY guy who has the NERVE to want to make a girl happy and ONLY want in return for her to call me back so i can make her happy some more!

"girls are CRAZY... i like them but there CRAZY!"

what do i have to do?

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 11:56:13 GMT

what will it take? what do i have to prove? what will put you over the edge? whats stopping this? why is his so difficult? is it me?

what do you do when you dont hold back... i mean you lay down your whole hand and it turns out that it wasnt enough? but even though the cards read in your favor ... you still dont win? its not the rejection that hurt its the princable that everything would be so perfect yet... it just isnt right? but it should be right it should be perfect!

... just be on my team please.

so close!!

Wed, 19 Nov 2003 08:52:19 GMT

i played in my second tournament and i did really well. i played exactly how i wanted to play. pretty much my old goal was to make all the mistakes possible and shake out the jitters so that next tournament i could lay down my real game .. and thats EXACTLY what i did. It was really cool because i was not nervus at all and i beat 2 B players and im still a C player. anyways i really wish someone was there to see me do so well but its cool i am proud of myself and thats all that matters. maybe one day people will want to go back to the poolhall again.

I really like the changes to our arena at zone( yes wohn and napa i did not use "the" and you KNOW it made sence) i personally still think yellow is the best and i think its cool that we got rid of green making us one of the only sights with blue and yellow... oh and those rubber bands are GGGGAAAAHHHHHHYYYYY

de ja vu and im not talking about work...

Fri, 14 Nov 2003 12:14:05 GMT

look if i dont know whats wrong i cant appologise.. see its awsome that everything is fixed with one person but now out of NOWHERE its sour with another...? can we all grow up here i mean this isnt hot potato whos mad a Jesse this week is it? im going to keep pretending i dont know... then you can keep telling everyone how much of a jerk i am... but lets for a second anylize this. Whatever i did to piss you off happend WAY too recent and i could in NO WAY have done something this bad or i would have known or rememberd... im not dumb i keep track of evil deeds and i KNOW i havent done anything to you. So im guessing i hurt your feelings. well im sorry i really am but if you cant at least say "hey you did this and that sucks!" so i can understand why you are mad at me then im going to think this is imature crap. you cant just go around telling everybody but me that i did something mean to you... and then expect me to loose sleep over it because thats not right. im mean i dont have espn.. or esp (haha) and i dont own a crystal ball ... i dont have the money to go to a furtune teller so if you are this upset with me then you need to TELL ME why and not go around telling everyone what an ass i am....

... i cant wait to find out this was over something little

what came first the chicken or the egg...?

Tue, 11 Nov 2003 12:28:36 GMT

does it take people treating you like an ass to make you one or do you go from a cool ass person to an ass for no reason at all...? on a side note i played in my very first pool tournament tonight and it was great. I was really really nervus but it was cool because i had dustin there to be my lil cheerleader. i think it was really cool of him to be there for me. i didnt expect to do good at all in fact i went expecting to loose. my goal was to make EVERY mistake possible and get all the jitters out so that NEXT tournament i can really lay down my game. i did ok. its a double elemination each match a race to 3. i was ranked a "c" player and my first match i beat a "b" player. it was cool and im glad dustin was there to share my lil victory with. anyway after that match i got elimnated. it was fun playing the tourny and not my usual bets... that cracks me up because im not nervus shooting for money anymore but i was a reck for the tourny.. haha oh well. Well time to watch poolhall junkies YAY. good night and ... OH YA!!!

SHAME on you to all who did not go to Tulasi's shindig!!! tulasi goes to all our partys and she finally gets the oppertunity to throw something for us and NOONE goes... i hope you all realize how much you hurt her feelings.. and dont worry shes not going to let you know it hurt her but i promis you it cut deep

I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT!!!!!

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 08:50:42 GMT

yay i havent had a reason to be stoked in a WHILE! i finally got pool hall junkies on dvd! yay and now i can watch all i want whenever i want! i guess i was kinda hoping for someone to get it for me ... but then i realized not only could anyone give a shit about me wanting it but i really doubt anyone would have bought me it anyways. I realize that i have been looking at life the COMPLETE wrong way. The more and more i think about it i realize that i have never known so many people only looking out for "#1" in my life. its funny because i remember so many times throughout my life people looking at me funny and asking me why i am so nice or polite and i would laugh inside because i baleive being nice is free and easy and everyone should be nice to eachother... well maby i am wrong. Who is really going to be there for you no bullshit i mean REALLY be there for you..? fucking NOONE! and if you are not prepared for that then you are in for a real treat. now by now you are reading this and have no clue where im going with this so just bare with me... im not saying we should put up our middle finger in the air to everyone you meet. in fact im will continue to baleive that being nice is free and easy everyone should do it. What i am getting at is dont ever expect ANYthing beyond that. This brings new meaning to the word "shallow"... no longer will i look at that word in a bad way. it should be looked at as a safe word. because being shallow just means dont ask too much dont tell too much and if its going to bite your ass in the end.... just dont do it. I play pool ALOT. and it all; started as a big group thing. EVERYONE would go. Now only i go. its funny because i dont mind... i meet new people and play better people and have ALL kinds of fun going by myself. i dont really want to go by myself but i have adapted to noone hanging out with me. My favorite exparament is inviting EVERYONE i know to play pool because THAT garuntees!!! that NOONE will go. sad but funny really.. anyway i wont lie i wish people would go with me but im loosing track here... one night my friend Napa called me and asked what i was doing afterwork and i said i dont know probably shooting pool and she said great me and wohn will meet you there. I WAS FUCKING STOKED so as soon as i got off work i RACED there... i raced soo fast i got pulled over and giving a speeding ticket. during my time with officer DICKWOD my phone rang twice and i couldnt answer it because i had and asshole with a badge in my face.. well needless to say after i got my ticket i drove the rest of the way to the pool hall at 65MPH and low and behold.... noone there. so i call Napa to find out she thought i wasnt coming and they left.... me not go to pool? well im way over it. in fact i was over it as soon as it happend. what i getting at was Napa thought i was going to be soooo mad at her but i wasnt. i was not mad at all. i wasnt mad at her for leaving im not blaming her for the ticket and i ended up having a great time at pool that night going by myself. i guess im trying to say is going through life not expecting much from anyone... doesnt hurt your feelings as much as it would if i counted on anybody. and im not being sarcastick im telling you the trueth. its safe to be shallow and its way possible to contiue being nice. so now i am going to watch my dvd and be fucking stoked... because its been to long since i have been stoked about anything. :)

how low can you go....?

Sat, 25 Oct 2003 01:53:17 GMT

talk shit about ME!?!?!? wow. i am the nicest person you will EVER meet! i may have wierd beliefs and be broke off my ass but i will ALWAYS be the nicest person you will ever meet! ........so people arent happy untill they know EVERY fucking detail about your life?like they might know me better then ME... FUCK that im perfectly happy NOT knowing every datail about anyones life! look if someone shares personal things with you ... it should be RESPECTED .. NOT fucking EXPECTED!!!. so now that the world doesnt know EVERY detail in my life.. its like everybody NEEDS to believe im some kind of "shady person" well FINE whatever helps you jackasses sleep at night i dont really care anymore! in fact i like this... it tell me who is real with me.. and who are a bunch of fuckheads! and its not like i have a "band of spy's" rolling around watching my back in fact i never thought i would NEED anybody to watch my back because i NEVER expected to have shit talked about me like this.. if you must know the info came to me by the people hearing the shit talk and told me because the KNOW that i didnt deserve ANY of that! im so sick of writing pissed off entry's ... sleeptight FUCKHEADS!

you should rent this!

Thu, 23 Oct 2003 21:09:46 GMT

Poolhall Junkies is a really cool movie i just saw the other night and EVERYONE should see it if you have ever liked pool... well you all will probobly hate this movie i only liked it because i LOVE pool. anyway GO SEE IT ANYWAYS!!

"... YA you fucking idiot!"

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 11:38:04 GMT

FINE im going to spill my guts! everyone knows something wrong so here! she broke my heart! i know i know it never looked good from the beginning but FUCK THE WORLD it was going to work! she broke my heart..she pulled it out and beat it with a baseball bat then she kicked around a few times... the she shredded it into tiny little peices like confetti and threw it in my face! lets not mention that this is the WORSTE time in the world for her to have done these things to me. im going threw enough stress trying to make it in life and she goes and does all that to me. all i did was love her. all i did was go agaisnt the odds for her and look where it got me... now i have been keeping this from all of you for a few weeks now and it hurt keeping it all in. im sorry. i hate this shit. why did i even bother.... ill tell you why. cause she was AWSOME!!! she fucking rulled! she did things for me no other could do. and if someone asks me about her .. other than the bullshit she just did .. i dont have a bad thing to say about her. .... she is going to make some guy soo fucking happy one day

.... i just really wanted that guy to be me.

and the hardest part of this is a really cool girl wants to date me ... and i want to date her too but i feel like i ... in fact i KNOW im going to hold back. i dont think i will be able to open up to a girl again for a while. and thats not fair to this cool girl. i know Wohn hates guys... but i want people to understand i am sooo good to girls. all those times i was getting girls phone numbers and trying to date others. everyone thought i was cheating on "LA girl" but what really was happining was "la girl" and i were telling eachother to try and date others because its too much breaking eachothers hearts when we cant see eachother... so i tried.. and i reallized how much i cared about her and we got back together. we were doing the long distance thing and it was working. and now she breaks my heart!

so go ahead tell me "i told you so!" it doesnt matter anymore because her breaking my heart is what everyone needed to happen... so i can be proven wrong!

This girl has broken my integrity. i feel like a complete ass. im sorry i want to have a girl in my life so bad... maybe its because i grew up without a mother for most of my life.. i dont want to anylize it its just how i am.

all i want is to love a good woman ... and have a good woman love me.

without a girl i know i have my friends! you are always there for me! im getting all watery eyed right now and its because i know im a failure. my beleifs are fucked and my heart is BROKEN! im sorry if i have been a bad friend to you dustin and wohn i wish you were right here in my living room so we could talk! daniel im sure you would be giving my a "big brother speach" right about now and i love you for it. mike i need to have a few carbombs with you soon. napapitana please dont hate me for drinking im really a good person i promise! jase i should have listened to you from the begging about her... im a "grown man" crying... im sorry everybody.

i'll live

"...nether is yours you moron..."

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 11:03:55 GMT

fly me to the moon

i want to swing among those stars

i want to know what spring in like on...

jupitor or mars

in other words

hold my hand

in other words....

baby kiss me

fill my heart with song

i want to sing

for ever more

cause you are all i longed for

all i worshipped

and i adored

in other words...

please be true..........

in other words

... in other words....

i

i love

you

"your lights aren't on..."

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 10:54:00 GMT

what is success?.... thats success to you right? is your idea of success what everyone should be shooting for? let me say this in a different way... How do you win the game of life? lets all be millionares and go to heavon right? Hmmm maybe if from grade 1 i stayed home everyday doing homework and studing everynight for tests sop i can get stright A's then do the same through highschool... then the same for college... then take some more college... then get some freaky job that uses all my skills so i can never see the light of day and work to make millions i will never have time to spend but ill take toi the grave with me. is that "winning"?.... maybe the homeless guy on the corner downtown who sleep under some bushes and gets up to beg for just enough change for a beer and burger... then goes back to sleep... is he really winning and we just dont know it?

i tell myself all i want in life is to make enough money to support myself and have time for fun. but do i aim too low? .... would... or does anyone look up to me?

i dont think im "winning" in the eyes of others

fun cant pay the rent.....

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 00:00:33 GMT

i moved out. i nolonger have the privlage to spend my paycheck on whatever i want... the ENTIRE thing gos to RENT!. now i never in ANY way thought living on my own would be easy. its just hard sometimes being around so many people living with their parents and dont have the stresses i have. maybe i put on a good "game face" but i am a constant RECK! i hate the fact i get a bigger paycheck at work than most of my co-workers... but mine goes ALL to rent and everyone else gets to buy ... close... videogames... dvds... carshit... nice dinners... so i did what anyone else would do in my situation.. get ANOTHER job. now a friend of mine offerd me 2 days a week being a door man at his club. its PERFECT. problem was i had little time to notify my current job that i had to miss a day. so i tried to take care of it all by myself... it was going to be perfect... except the shit really hit the fan when the head boss planned a suprise meeting on the shift i was getting out of... i understand thisa is all my fault. but it could have worked.... anyway im not the only one in the world with problems. the worst part of the WHOLE thing was 2 people i REALLY respect gave me the "good cop bad cop" ... it really hurt.

if most of my good friends had not showed up to hang out with me last night i think i would have been really depressed... i dont think they know it but they did a really cool thing coming over to my house and i want to say thank you.

"... but got it just dont get it cause theres nothing at alll"

Sat, 04 Oct 2003 02:03:45 GMT

i feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.... i talked to my pops... he was really really cool to me and that threw me off. i know my dads a good guy and its not that i moved out because of him. i moved out because of his girlfriend. and i can sit here and talk shit about her for HOURS but its irelevant... the point is... she is my dads girlfriend and its not her job to make me happy... she just went out of her way to make me misserable... there i go again im should stop!... anyway the point is. im cool with my pops and my cell is on again.. and i think everything is going to work out. i love my dad and i wish him the best with his girlfriend... just without me in the house. now i can get on with MY life the way i want to do it....